I'm still sad and lonely by birthday passed by and I didn't really have anyone to spend it with besides jason but he's becoming a little different. He's still sweet and funny and respectful but I need someone different than the regular guys I always date. I brought up religion and God something I thought was important to talk about but he's like "why you always wanna talk about this God sh**t"? and I was like "I thought you were a christian" ? he's like "I am I go to church all the time and I pray I'm just tired of you bringing him up" and well I don't need someone that thinks that way about od so I told him and he was sad and now it's guna be different and weird cause I babysit his sister and he's always there, but I know deep down inside I made the right choice and Byron I'm done with him cause I don't really like him it's just lust between us and I do miss him but that's all he wants and well I don't want those things anymore.Besides school and grades everything is great though I hate my house and I want to run away but I'lll be ok.Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!
I have 1 more day to remeber the martin luther king speech and I'm only on the first page at first I wanted to do it just for fun. 250$ isn't really much but when I think about it my mom hasn't been to work in over 2 months and that money could really do alot right now, I have 3 midterms tomorrow and I'm kinda stuck on which to study oon I guess I'll stick with the speeh but midterms are really important to me. I'm not sure what to do but the thing is that no is n't even supportive of this, they never are, I guess once again I have to depend on myself to make this happen for me. Wish me luck.
Today I have to admit was an OK day. I said something to someone and I should of said sorry but I don't like to say sorry cause it makes me feel like I'm wrong and well that's always been one of my biggest problems. I am starting to see alot of faults inside myself and I am willing to change those things about me. The same kind of people I like to be around is the same person I want to be and even shine a little more, so. Today is about the 5th day I haven't talked to my best friend since he asked me if I liked him and it's not the akwardness thats keeping me from talking to him, but I feel like I never give people a chance to even miss my presence and if you don't I don't feel like my presence wasn't even in existince, why then would I keep a friendship when I'm not important enough to take 1 min out of your day to call and ask how I'm doing, and I just want to see how long it takes him, BUT NO MATTER WHAT I STILL THINK HE'S A GREAT FRIEND. Today I came to a realization of me wanting to cover up everything with my words, I hate being wrong. It's hard for me to accept it but then again I do it everyday, but I just never say sorry or admit I made a mistake, and I'm trying to change that about me and I prayed about it and I'll do whatever it takes to become a better person for God, and just little things like this count.I think this problem is the escalating point from my fall and is the best part because I'm getting closer to God.
Why is it human nature to protect ourselves why can't we be vulnerable sometimes. Vulnerable to love and vulnerable to God, why protect ourselves from such beautiful things. Some people don't believe in Love or God and being that I have a good relationship with God and people that I love I can't see why not but I can understand cause sometimes It's so hard to look past the present and see into the future, TO IMAGINE MORE.I don't know but I want to be so vulnerable to both God and love that I don't have to think about making decisions. I don't want to be strong to things like these. It's so hard not to be strong and just give yourself completly to another to have to fully rely on someone else, especially when we live in a world that is unreliable, and causes us to be strong in every situation we face. I just hope when it comes to love i can be vulnerable no matter it how much it hurts. Lately people haven't been able to see the real kind hearted me. Today I disrespected my mom and not purposely but I was angry and My sleeping hasn't improve even with taking my meds and there's this boy Im truly in love with but scared to love him and Today I lied so much and have been questoning God and well my life is nothing near to perfection but I have enough hope to last a life time and I can see past the hard times and problems and look forward to a better situation a better me and well I just want people to see God in me, to see the seed he planted in me blossom into something more.
I try for the most part to live a christian life style, but's harder than i thought it would be. In the last 2-3 weeks my days have been up and down, problems here and problems there, but I've talked to God about most of the problems I've faced during these weeks and I have to say overall it has made me happy. Usually when I have so many problems coming in and out I get depressed and become this disrespectful lying girl my mother DID NOT RAISE but talking to God has made me smile and laugh and sometimes even cry during these last 2-3 crazy weeks. I can truly say I've never been this happy. I saw God in everything the trees and the sky the floor and it's amazing cause he's always been there but i just was to focus on anything else. But I'm happy I feel great impossible, undefeated, i feel like a winner. I guess I did win cause it was written in his word to begin with.
I read a book call "Surrendered Heart" a payton sky series by Stephanie Perry Moore and it was such a good book. It's just basically about a young girl who faces alot of challenges in her second year of college, her friends lives start to fall apart and with the burden of two close deaths, one of them being her grandfather Payton learns to trust God in the middle of all her problems and struggles and everything including her problem with friends start to change and she realizes that she can't do anything without God and so she starts to surrender herself fully to him. This book theme I have to say is commitment and trust and of course faith.I really really enjoyed it and sometimes I wish I could be like Payton so fully commited to God all the time, even when things are bad. I know I can do it, my problem is letting go of my past and giving up things that are not of God. Her love and patience throughout the whole book, I want to be like that and though I know I can only be like that with God's help it's so hard to let go of everything and sometimes I have doubts that God is really always there, but at the end of the day when I look at the trees and the sky and the stars and I think about all the times I could of died, but I'm still alive I think about all the hungry kids out there the people that can't have the oppurtunity to praise God freely and I think about how lucky I am to be healthy though I have my flaws and struggles I'm truly BLESSED with a GREAT LIFE, A WONDERFUL FAMILY, AMAZING FRIENDS,and A MIGHTY GOD and I know that there's no other explanation to how beautiful the earth is and how it works and why I am so blessed besides God and well I strife to become a better christian so that others will get a glimpse of my light and eventually want to change their lives and usually I would be jealous of someone like Payton but I realize that I've changed and instead of being jealous I just want to become more like her and it's amazing, God is amazing!!!!!:) I want to be a surrendered heart for christ.
Today I woke up and I was extremely jealous of this girl cause she's been spending so much time with this boy I like then today he was like :wow the joy she brings nothing can compare" it got me so mad cause I think she's just gonna break his heart and that's what bothered me the most. So I prayed about it, I prayed and asked god to help me through the situation and to take the jealousy out of my heart then I questioned him and asked, why is he not with me?, what did I do for him to keep going in circles right aournd me, and avoid me completly. So then God told me to read a book my dance teacher gave me about a christian girl and her struggles with realtionships and friendships during college and while reading it I was amazed about how much this girl was commited to God and her friends and it made me forget about the situation and all that jealousy storing up inside of me just kinda flew out of me and it made me feel so good. Then my friend called and I was telling him about his cousin and how I felt and he said I was jealous I told him that I was but it was more to the situation than that, it was the fact that all these girls were hurting him and that I would never hurt him and he said to me well you hurt him too he probally just didn't want to say anything to you and then I remebered that I did hurt him.Once he had told me a secrect and I promised not to tell anyone but I told his cousin. Then I cried and prayed to God cause I wasn't sure want to say to him but I knew I had to say something. So I called him and I asked him If I ever hurt him he told me yes and he asked the same question and I told him yes too and he apoligized and I did too and I told him I would never try to hurt him on purpose. I cried alot after that casue I hate hurting people, besides God I live to help people and knowing that I hurt him hurt me. So I prayed to God, this time asking him to help me keep secrets unless they were gonna physically hurt someone and I asked him to give my friend the strength to forgive me and forget about it so we could move on. Now I feel much better inside still disapointed at myself but I'm alot happier and now I'm even happy this girl brings him joy even if it doesn't last cause he deserves it, he's the best friend anyone could ask for and I love him very much. I also see how wonderful and powerful God is and I learned that If I trust him and ask him for help I will recieve it and seeing how trustworthy God is inspires me to be just like him.
My mood: extremely blessed
Previous PostsHappy Birthday, posted February 7th, 2010, 1 comment
I'm stressed, posted January 13th, 2010
Identifying My Problem, posted December 15th, 2009
Looking forward to a new ME!!, posted November 17th, 2009
My weekly change part1, posted October 28th, 2009
I want to surrender my heart to God, posted August 30th, 2009, 1 comment
God help me thorugh my situation today, posted July 7th, 2009
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